


This Is Me

by PerspectiveJewels



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cheating, Gen, I'll add more as I go along, Implied health issues, LGBT Themes, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of surgery, Poetry, Prose Poem, i honestly have no idea what to tag this as
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerspectiveJewels/pseuds/PerspectiveJewels
Summary: Just some thoughts and feelings.





	1. Selfish

I’m so selfish

I don’t understand why I am

All I do is take and take

Expect more and more

Nothing is never enough for me

I hate this more than I can say

And yet here I am

Unable to stop for the life of me


	2. Acceptance

_Why do you always make it known that your gay?_

It’s a question that my father always asks

His tone annoyed and clearly losing patience with me

_Because for too long I held myself back_

I want to say

_I denied myself for so many years and pretended to be someone I’m not_

_Now I’m finally free to be who I wanna be_

Instead I just shrug while he scoffs

He’ll never understand me


	3. Unrequited

_I love you_

I tell her this every day

Just so she can know

My love for her extends the distance

Holding her close to me

But there’s an ache in my chest whenever she says she loves me back

And says that I’m her best friend

She’ll never love me

Like how I love her

But I’ll take what I can get


	4. Ex-Best Friend

To my ex-best friend

Sometimes I wonder

If you ever think about me

Like I think about you

All the good memories fly through my head

Though they’re always soured by our end

When you ignored and ignored and ignored me

Only to remember my existence when you needed something

Someone to cover for you

Some place to stay

Someone to complain about your most recent lover

And pick up some advice while you were at it

Until I got tired of months and months of this

And just stopped hitting reply

I do miss you though

Nearly everyday

I long for the good old days

But I doubt you even miss me

Or remember my name


	5. His Mistress

He thinks I don't here them late at night

Despite the screams and moans of his mistress

But I here them alright

They're right there in the living room

The wrestling game at full blast

Yet I can hear every cry of his name

I just hope my mother can't hear

While she sleeps in their room alone

I won't tell her

That's my father's job to spill

I'm zipped tight until I break

And I'm reaching my boiling point


	6. Paranoid

Turns out I'm paranoid for all the right reasons

I thought I was making friends

But instead I was making enemies

I hate that I'm like this

And I can't blame them for feeling this way

I'll forever be known as that bitch

The one they gossip and laugh about

Tell stories with rolls of their eyes

My awful dreams are coming true

Though I deserve nothing less


	7. Awful

Realizing how awful I am is like a slap to the face

A wake-up call that screams

_You're becoming just like your dad_

I don't just look like him anymore

I act just like him as well

A victim of a villian

Turning into another villain

His words crawl upon my skin

But I'm copying them all the same

The bullied turning into the bully

And I've never hated myself more


	8. The Villain

I'm the villain of the story

That's plain and clear now

I'm the monster that walks among the kind

Vomiting up negativity

Bringing harm to others

I swore I'd never become this way

Yet here I am

The very thing people hate most

Including me


	9. Smile

Don't let them see how you feel

Just smile

You knew this hell was coming

No one can escape it

Now just plaster it on your face

And count down the days

They don't care how you feel

With the self-hatred clawing at your insides

The depression is getting worse

Just plaster on the smile for fuck sakes

It's just the way of life


	10. Go Back

How do you go back to a place where you’re not certain if you’re welcome?

I messed up everything

Now I’m too afraid to return

Afraid of what they’ll say

Afraid of what they’ll do

I want to just go back

Apologize and apologize

And feel like I’m welcome again

But I guess that’s the thing

I never did

I always felt as if I was being judged

Whispers behind my back of how awful and annoying I was

My own paranoia getting the best of me

But it was right once

For all I know

It’s right again


	11. Rinse and Repeat

Meet a pretty girl around the same age

Have her be kind

Be drawn in by her smile

And feel your heart flutter

Maybe she’s the one

But have her mention a boyfriend

Or a boy she likes

And now feel your heart drop

Feel ridiculous for even considering the possibility

Of meeting a girl who likes girls in the real world

Rinse and repeat

The cycle never ends


	12. Father's Day

You fucking prick

How many times have you cheated?

How many times have you called your disabled wife a retard?

How many times have you made fun of my weight?

How many times have you made me lie for you?

The list goes on and on

I doubt you care about anyone other than yourself

She should’ve divorced you years ago

And yet you’re still here in my life

Making me feel like shit

Go fuck yourself

You don’t deserve anything


	13. Pathetic

This entire thing is easier than I thought

I barely do anything

Just walk back and forth

Smile at people

Sit in dark rooms

All for four hours

Starting at a reasonable hour

And ending at one too

But my legs still ache

My eyes still droop

I have no excuse

I’m just pathetic


	14. Best Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Krista

This is a formal thank you

To my best friend

For just existing

You deserve an award

For putting up with all my bullshit

Along with all of my problems

I can’t put it into words

Of just how much you mean to me

And how grateful I am

To have you in my life

You’re the best person I know

Never change

I love you so much


	15. Parents

Why do parents love to treat us like shit?  
  
Yell and scream at us  
  
Laugh at our problems  
  
Flip us off  
  
Curse at us  
  
But then once we try to defend ourselves  
  
Or dare to do the same  
  
We get punished  
  
Or told it's a parent privilege to do such things  
  
They're in the right  
  
While we're in the wrong  
  
And I'm fucking tired of it


	16. Flaws

My father has a habit involving me

He always lists my flaws

As if it's his only duty

_You're fat_

Yes

I'm quite aware of this fact

Whenever I look down at a scale

I only wish to weep

I've tried so hard to lose weight to no avail

I just only seem to gain

Not like you care

_You're lazy_

I know

I procrastinate until the last possible second

I sleep too much on days off

And tend to stay all day on my laptop

Creating things on Photoshop

It's a trait of mine that I've tried to break

But it calls me in like an old friend

_You're dumb_

Another fact that I'm well aware of

Especially when report cards come in

When my little sister has such high scores

And mine is just a bunch of rotting meat

No matter how many A's and B's I receive

It's nothing compared to her admission to a STEM program

One of the best in the state

While all I can get is a performing arts magnet

_I'm just trying to look out for you_

Here's some food for thought

There's better ways to do so

Than just constantly insulting my every waking move

It shouldn't be that hard

And yet here we are


	17. Awkward

I tried to go back today

I thought maybe I would belong there again

After all

It's been two weeks

But it was just so awkward

I truly have ruined everything

So I just slid back out

And hid back in the darkness

Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be


	18. Songs

There's a lot of songs I can relate to

Most of which are sad

About having depression and awful fathers

Along with more sad topics

And I feel as if these sad songs

Were written just for me

But there's a lot of songs out there

That I wish I could relate to

Songs about finding happiness

Finding someone that loves you back

And achieving dreams

All I can do whenever I listen to them

Is just think

_I can't wait for that to be me_

I can't wait to be happy

I can't wait to find someone to love me back

And I can't wait to achieve my dreams

Though the odds of these are slim

I keep on wishing

That one day I can smile and say

These happy songs were written for me


	19. Worried

I'm worried about her

And how this damn surgery is going to go

My mother assures me it's minor and common

That the probability of something going wrong is low

But I'm still worried

I know she won't live forever

That's just a fact of the universe

But she's the only grandmother I have

I see her at least once a week

Sometimes more

And the thought of her not being in my life

Brings me to tears

I don't want her to go

I _can't_ have her go

Please just let the surgery go okay

Please just let her be okay

_Please_


	20. Wallow in my sorrows

It seems to be that time again

For me to wallow in my sorrows

These awful memories of what I've done

And what others have said about me

Just play in a continuous loop in my head

Overtaking any happy thought

Before I fall asleep

It's all too common now

But it never seems to stop the tears

And the awful clenching in my gut

God

I wish I was someone else

Someone kinder

Someone more understanding

Someone I can only dream of being

It's fucking ridiculous

How awful and pathetic I am

And how I can't help but listen

To the voice reminding me of this in my head

That sounds all too much like my father

And seems to only get louder and louder

As time goes on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is worded weird and seems to jump all over the place, but I got hit but those lovely depression hours so here we are.


	21. Admiring Problematics

It always feel like a punch in the gut

When someone I love and admire

Says something awful

It feels as if they personally hurt me

Despite them not even knowing of my existence

It happens over and over

Sometimes with apologies

Sometimes without

And it makes so many questions fly through my head

_Is it wrong if I still support them as long as I hold them accountable?_

_Do I just pretend I never saw it and plead ignorance?_

_Do I just drop the person altogether?_

Most of the time though

I go with the first one

As long as it isn't something inexcusable

But the entire thing still hangs over me like a rain cloud 

A guilt for something I didn't even do

Can I just admire one person without this happening?

So I don't feel shame for loving something?

It's unrealistic

This I know for sure

But goddamn

A girl can hope

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently on Tumblr as [@eternalmalecs](http://eternalmalecs.tumblr.com/).


End file.
